Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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