I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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