Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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