Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
