she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
