you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
