My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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