im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
