my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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