She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
