mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
