I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
