Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
