my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
