Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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