Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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