tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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