So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
