I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just found puke in my bra..
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
false alarm, still single
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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