I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I wish there were birth control emojis
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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