just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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