even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
