Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
