On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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