Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
