I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
