so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
