I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
