You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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