I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
