wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
