so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
