The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
