I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
