i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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