So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
