Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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