does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
