Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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