if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
