Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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