so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
