Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
