god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
