woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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