I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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