This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Randomize
