Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
