How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
