You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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