Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
